Screens, Teens and Covid 19

This is another in a series of essays on device and screen management last year, in 2016 and in 2014, Trying to keep up with both the changes we see in screen content and access modalities, platforms and devices as well as the changing needs and desires of our kids.

And there you have it,

Life happened. Despite all efforts to limit screen time, ensure quality content, negotiate on various screen plans and try to keep up with the shifting sands of what my teenage boys are accessing, two events came at us sideways since March. One is a consequence of our less than normal lives of drifting about the planet perpetually nomadic as expatriates, the second was (and still is) the event known variably as 'the pandemic', Covid, Corona, C19, ergo the Virus. I'll call it Covid, because a corona is a rainbow ring of gaseous plasma around the sun (or a beer), C19 is too science-like and a bit contrite and 'the pandemic' gets one's heart beating faster in a bad way.

We lead international lives and this Covidic summer we left Yangon, Myanmar our home for 4 years at the end of an international posting and hopped across to Korea, skipped over the big pond (Pacific) to western Canada, hunkered down in the province of Alberta for 2 weeks quarantine had a visit with a friend or 13 or 14, then moseyed over to Toronto and skadaddled across the other big pond (Atlantic) to Switzerland where we find ourselves settling in close to Geneva in France. Covid quarantine robbed us of 2 weeks in Canada, and with uncertainty and different stages of 'reopening' travelling about for visits was not in the cards this time, friends being responsibly cautious as to who could walk in the front door... and there we were like aliens in a way, landing from a different planet such as the other side of the world might be. 

As with many of us with teens, hand held screens have been central to our children's lives since the emergence of the iPad, the first and only hand-held web-enabled device accessible then for middle class kids all over the world fast forward to now when kids as young as 9 sport smart phones with more computing power than I had in a computer in my first job. This over the course of 10 years, 2010 - 2020; my kids are now 14 and 15.5yrs old... not hard math.

Our kids, and so we as parents are the pioneers of this new high speed connectivity everywhere modality of entertainment, communication, education, networking, artistic creation, connection it spans so many aspects of modern-day life. For my parents it was television... pshwaah I say, that was kindergarten stuff, now we're in the post-grad school of dealing with media and its content, and supporting our kids to make good choices; back in the day the dinner table debate was whether to mute the adverts during Bewitched or MASH or Hogan's Heros, the Flintstones, Sesame Street, or not... ;-) -- easy street.

March 18, 2020... that was the day it all changed for us. The day my teenage sons stayed home from school and being on screens for obscene amounts of time became legitimized as the online classroom went live. This was in Myanmar, in Yangon an emerging city still with not a lot of opportunities for teens, distant from beach or mountains for weekend trips, and a climate that drives you indoors to air conditioned luxury and your high-speed internet connection. It stayed that way for the months of #stayathome through pre-monsoon which is easily the worst time of year when it has been dry for months and the heat steadily builds, farmers burn off their crop stubble, the air is 45C and brown. Then the rains came in June and with them came the end of school. While it has to be said their British international school did a stellar job with the online classroom, even when 95% of the teachers absconded back to their home countries (or some to tropical islands in Thailand or Cambodia), they barely skipped a beat and launched into online learning full on, full-time.

Any home screen-limiting policies went out the window that day and I think for many parents, while relieved that school continued it was a bit of a two-sided coin; on the one hand their kids were being schooled and on the other their kids were being further inculcated into their various other worlds. Minecraft, Fortnite, Twitch, YouTube, Instagram that's what mine are into...if you can't say what yours are into then probably it would be good to find out. The usual axiom if you want to curb a behaviour is to attend to your own same behaviour first; you can't tell someone to stop smoking if you're a smoker and likewise with screens. What Covid brought was a denial of any strategy to put down our devices, when parents too were at home to work and everyone was on their screens and often at night depending on where your time zone landed you. I am working on an online Doctorate programme and much admin for my Wellness business is online. Am I on a screen too often. Definitely.

We were in our last weeks in Yangon, a 4 year posting coming to an end. While the 'stayathome' ended in mid-May and we left at the end of June, monsoon had arrived and so our departure was a bit soggy and sad. I blogged about our 5,4,3,2,1 trip across Asia and the Pacific  it was quite a trip, there are pictures there too ;-) 

We arrived on continent number 2, North America and found ourselves in a 2 week quarantine, of course with high speed internet. The online fun continued and we had a huge extended back-yard in the adjacent walking paths in Calgary, Alberta. We all took turns going for covid-safe but covert solo masked walks in the brilliant early summer sunshine, Canadian Rockies beckoning, Alberta blue skies stretching out far, full moon shining absolutely beautiful. Wearing masks outdoors still has me baffled. The rest of the time in quarantine... you guessed it, the boys (and me) were on our screens. Crazy stuff, never ends. We didn't travel much in Canada on this trip, normally we go on a visit-orgy to friends across the west but this year, as things were just starting to re-open it wasn't the time to be staying with friends. At ages similar to mine (57) many are caring for aging parents or were planning on visiting them after a long absence due to lock-downs or lock-ins and couldn't risk having us around. Pity though since we hadn't been to Canada for 4 years and have friends scattered hither and yon in western Canada with great lives and are fun to visit... you know who you are. Our last visit with you was when we moved from Kathmandu after 3 years there, who knows when the next one will be. 

A notable exception was stay at my great friend Karin's place in Banff, never felt welcomed as much as I feel there. And on this occasion again her door was open for me and the boys. We had a great few days in Banff, did 5 hikes and had spectacular weather. It may have been a bit of a shock for the boys, from being screen-bound for months suddenly we were free and out in the Rocky Mountain alpine.

I admit that the general lethargy of covid inspired couch time combined with travelling with 2 teens who were reticent anyway to visit yet another friend of Dad's who they didn't remember but of course remembered them, and who I think were tired from their school year meant that inspiration and enthusiasm had to come from one source... moi. And I was tired too. The cumulative busyness required to organize the trip and leave my flat, my business, the few solid friendships, stress around the unknowns we had been facing with the departure paradigm for many months funneled as we got closer to the end, and an awareness that the coming move was going to require considerable energy reserves as well meant that we were okay hunkering down and we just didn't travel. Missing friends but resting and readying for re-establishing in a new place yet again.

Our final leg in mid-August was to Europe, the third continent of our journey. It took us across Canada via Toronto (we didn't stop) and onward to Switzerland though we are settling in France just across the border from Lake Leman and Geneva.

The Swiss had just released their first list of 'banned' countries and mercifully Canada was not on it. Goddess bless Canadians for behaving themselves, masking when asked and being respectful and responsible enough to curb the curve for the most part, at least enough to bring the numbers into a statistically acceptable place. The screen dream continues in travel and the boys transcontinental travel is now about making sure they have internet access and the devices are fully charged! It is on their first trip to Ecuador in 2008, ages 4 and 6 in an effort to keep them awake at Schipol airport until the 11pm KLM 13hr flight to Quito I gave them a game boy each. Indeed I was the one who tipped them into the hand-held screen rabbit hole. All my fault ;-).

Habits have settled in. For example my eldest (15) started watching streams on twitch.com in Edmonton in July where for entertainment 1000's of people watch gamers doing what they do best... game play for hours and hours... My son has seized the day and 'hatllama' was born and now he is a streamer too... (cut to Supertramp 'nothing but a dreamer' right?), check him out, tell your kids, he broadcasts on twitch.com at 7:30pm (Central European Time) nearly nightly. My hope is that he is happy doing this, and he seems to be... and then my hope is that he will start to make some money from this, chalk it up as a success, and move on; it takes up a lot of his evening! His 'following' is growing slowly. But now he HAS to be on screen at 7:30pm so homework and dinner revolves around it (eyes rolling). 

My youngest (at 14) has become obsessed with YouTube though to give him credit he seems to be watching some fairly intellectual content at least of late... he did go through a phase of US-origin brain numbing content which was quite distressing. Rather than go out and play, they go to their rooms and screen despite urgings to the contrary... it's all a bit worrying and my eldest son's PE teacher on his initial assessment says his cardiovascular fitness (and flexibility) need improvement.

So it's not all bad news about devices and screen time. I've been poking around at my basic premise that screens are evil and kids need clear guidance to reduce their screen time... turns out I'm not entirely correct. The recent report from Commonsense media 'Tweens, teens, tech and mental health: Coming of age in an increasingly digital, uncertain and unequal world' suggests that it is more the content and quality of the media kids are accessing than the amount of time they spend on their screens. I think we all have experienced the phenomenon of not knowing what our kids are talking about, and for sure they are absorbing a huge amount of content we know nothing about. Try as I do to keep up, dinner table conversation between my sons escapes me entirely sometimes. Monitoring content for quality is another issue and discriminating between what is quality and what is not can be hugely divergent between the middle-aged father and his 2 adolescent sons. What is interesting is that we all zoned out to junk TV and its advertising and so I wonder is some of what they do the same as that? Should I worry? 

What is of concern of course is the amount of time spent indoors, the amount of time eyes straining to look at small back-lit screens, the bent-neck syndrome that structurally closes the esophagus. In the Wellness work I do this area is where the 'Spirit' element resides (5 Element theory), where self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth are seated and certainly as many critiques agree these are areas that are affected in young people today likely because of too much time spent online. Not to mention how the forward bending head, means you go around looking downward not upward and outward, not aware of your surroundings and what is going on. And when you meet people your eyes are not meeting theirs, yours are looking down, and maybe theirs are too, kinda sad when you think about it.

Covid then has put the kaybosh on my efforts to get screen-time under control during #stayathome in Myanmar or in quarantine and in a cautious Canada we were kept indoors and online more than I ever wanted during our time there. Now we have done the Atlantic hop to the France/Suisse border region, newcomers and without friendships in their new schools the boys are finding it hard to break into established social circles. They find easier social solace in adjusting their lives to when their friends in Myanmar, Japan, Australia (or closer, in the UK) are online and free to game or message, or talk on discord.com.  Who can blame them right?

Though sort of concomitant there is a certain laziness that has crept in as well, it is easier to go online than go for on a bike ride... and we all know that the less you use a muscle (for example) the harder it is to get that muscle active and pumping again. My sons were long-time in the tropics and too long in cities at a critical age, adapted to the slower pace, and then the heat and rain and less active opportunities in urban Yangon gradually wound down their energy and drive to get into sports. Now here where people are up and at 'em, out biking and hiking and climbing, etc...(and ski season is coming) there is a distinct preference to stay indoors and online even when the sun is shining which is a great pity given we are located on the slopes of the Jura mountains in France and within sight of the French and Swiss Alps.

Anyway, change is the only constant and certainly this change and in all our children this time of their lives is one of incredible change so 'this too shall pass' and we will see what the future holds for them, because it is coming fast. My advice? Know what your kids are doing online, know what content they are browsing, know who they are gaming with, remind them that balance between downtime, screen time, physical exercise, family time needs to be in their thinking, check out their posture and act if you see things going awry. This phase too shall pass and it is only a question of good shepherding them through because after this... they are largely on their own and hopefully will have absorbed some of what you gave them from a place of love.

 

Part III: To screen or not to screen that is the question: teenagers and screen time

Our context

Put another way the title of this blog could also read 'to do or to be, that is the question'! I have blogged on screens and screen time for kids twice, 4 years ago and the time before that was 2014 though I think about it often and live daily the rapid evolution of all things internet and my children's interaction with it. I realise that engagement with a screen is a very active 'doing' practice not at all a 'being' one. It is very busy for the mind, and this stands in contrast to what kids might otherwise be engaged in which is 'being'; hitting a tennis ball against a wall, football with friends, lying in the sun or swimming, building with bricks, riding a bike, imagining with dolls, cars, alone or together in person with someone else, whatever... an activity known as Playing!  I have 2 boys, now a tween and early teen, their lives are being messed with; its time to update. 

I'll throw in a contextual caveat early because it has an effect; we live internationally, currently in Myanmar, before that it was Nepal, before that Ecuador, before that Lebanon, before that... you get the picture. We don't live stable lives where we can measure annual height progress against the doorframe or where we can run to the grocer and say hey because he's the same guy who sent a veggie plate to your first born's baptism. Sadly we don't really live in community, old friends and relatives are far away spread around the world, we visit them on holidays and not often. Locally the 'hood isn't very accessible, I mean its friendly enough but few people speak English and in this country newly opened to foreigners we are regarded with curiosity, still a novelty and treated with suspicion by some... it means aside from a few friends from school who live close by, we don't have community. And online community via social media pales in comparison to having thoughtful friends and wise elders living around the corner.

The other notable difference for us is that my sons go to a British curriculum international school rather than a public school. Burmese parents who can afford it strive to get their kids out of the public school system not known for it's progressive rigour in the education sector though it is reforming. The boy's school is well resourced and the kids there have all the toys, they wear a uniform (gasp) and across the board I'd say they want for nothing. This year, the 5th in its young life, the school, (I like to think) listened to parent-feedback and to their own good sense and have not sent home Macbook Air's for Secondary and iPads for Primary kids. It was making life screen-hell at home, the boys felt entitled to be on screen the minute they came home, the concept of screens and screen time being a privilege rather than a right was degraded by this school policy.  The policy was almost transparently a marketing ploy and that they axed it must have had a financial angle... 'nuff said they came to their senses and for that I am grateful.

Online life is different here in Myanmar. Internet is slower than in neighbouring Thailand but then it is much younger. Only 5 years ago a SIM card cost $200 and only 7 or 8 years it cost $2000 for a government monitored manky 3G data connection. Now it costs $3 for quite zippy 4G data. You can imagine the implications the sudden access to information and opinions combined with the low level of 'net literacy' has had. Imagine how much influence what appears online has to someone who has not had the benefit of living the evolution as information now delivered literally into their hands. Fake news for example, fools even the savvy e-content consumer; for those new to the medium and who didn't have access even to TV... hmm, you can see quite a problem developing. Facebook sees some of its highest penetration rates in emerging markets like Myanmar.  Some providers in Myanmar only give access to Facebook and very many people think FB is the internet (shock horror). And while more internet-evolved countries have moved on to Insta, Twitter, Snapchat, Reddit, etc away from Facebook, we are still in it deep, so much so a recent UN Human Rights report indicated FB un-vetted posts influenced public opinion and fanned the flames of hate during the Rohingya crisis of the past 2 years.

WiFi is not as prevalent here and often the signal is not strong or the band-width too narrow. By contrast 4G (and I fear soon 5G) is easy to get though not as cheap as in neighbouring Thailand and pretty fast. At my residence I can use Skype and Zoom easily and stream Netflix nearly without pause with pre-paid 4G and use my phone as a hotspot. Also, as parents we are not heavily invested in the virtual reality fad (we don't have the hardware), so I can't comment on this innovation or how it is problematic or not. Neither of the boys are into PS4 or X-Box mostly because we thankfully opted for the Wii and Nintendo's Switch, it has to be said though the unique hand-held option for this gaming platform is a mixed blessing; portability can be a curse.

In the USA particularly there is much concern for online safety for children and certainly teens are surfing far and wide so this is a well-founded fear though has to be seen in context; given the pervasive atmosphere of 'fear' and the incessant fear-mongering by media and government in the USA it is not surprising that there is a near-obsessive focus on it.  Online safety shouldn't need to be the centre of attention, it serves as a distraction from the main issue, the problems central to the internet and screen time with kids are deeper and more pervasive affecting their psychology, the integrity of their participation as responsible citizens and their individual wellness.  (As an aside it is an interesting analogy for USA society, where the focus on personal safety and national security in general distracts people easily and erodes community building, family values and social order, fodder for another blog to be sure.) All being said about teens on screens it is wise to be cautious and this website unpackages it for you. Please take the bits relevant to your context: https://www.wizcase.com/blog/a-comprehensive-cyberbullying-guide-for-parents/. 

Well-heeled international schools like the one my sons go to are quite savvy teaching the kids about the various traps inherent to being online, I believe (and pray) that this is sinking in with them and that they become discerning internet users. I advocate for everyone with children to go to https://www.commonsensemedia.org/and take time to peruse the 'Advice for Parents' tab. Take your time. And with your youngster vet their games or video choices and teach them to be informed consumers.

What has changed since 2015?

My kids have aged! Now 12 and 14 year old boys they are no longer children per se, they are tweenager and teenager. Their needs have changed, their interests have diversified, their skills have honed both in terms of knowledge of coding and what games and resources are high quality. Their ability to maneuver characters in online games is truly astounding; if you thought it was cute watching your 3 yr old swipe up and down, left and right check out a 14yr old's skills with a gaming mouse!

Content (games, websites, apps, anime, etc) they are able to access has widened, most have ratings that are 12+ or 13+ acknowledging the shift in cognitive understanding as kids mature and grow. Its a bit scary when you look at some of what the various sites have to offer to your 13 year old. Lately I was checking out Civilization 6 add-on packs with my 14 year old, it is very interesting weaving in climate change as a factor in building your empire though the final statement in the orientation session says 'Learn how to control the elements' quite the wrong paradigm to be encouraging... we know we can't control the elements, we should all be better off learning how to 'work with' the elements right?

Add to this the boom of online websites, like the .io games available on any device and they are often free. We used to filter access saying we only would look at free games, etc, now much of what was once 'pay to play' is free. What developers have figured out is that 'if you build it they will come', get the players on board and then bring in the dosh through the sale of accessories, cosmetics, add-ons, upgrades. So clever and kids unschooled in the wiles of marketers are rather open to the opportunities. Cosmetics are interesting, as they don't affect game play much but kids susceptible to the 'cool factor' who want the newest skin or what-have-you will have to pay for it much as they once needed the newest cool high-tops, or haircuts or fashion accessories.

YouTube is incredible now, I mean it always was but now, simply WOW. According to YouTube at the time of writing they have over 1.3Billion users, one out of two internet users views YouTube. Imagine how many channels there are available to your child. I'm told by he who knows (my 14yr old) to comment more about how content on YouTube has changed. Very popular are older Tubers (those in their 20's and 30's) who post instructional videos of themselves at gameplay on popular sites like Fortnite and Minecraft. Reality tubers are bigger than reality TV. Theres a whole culture going on out there, as evidenced by the BeautyYouTube tiff and that of pewdiepie vs t series... (seriously if you've never heard of these you gotta check it out). Often these Tubers were tech savvy screen teens who are now making a bundle (millions!) adding masses of content which can be pretty good stuff but when you consider the sheer mass, much of it is crap. Often content is delivered with questionable language, misogynist messaging, violent undertones and who knows what other less than desirable modelling behaviours. Suffice it to say there are also movie previews galore, and a ton of distractions and its not that they are all bad, some are great but there is no filter, only the brain of your growing child. Who monitors what their teens watch? YouTube Kids is for 8 and under, if you put the adult content filter on your browser it blocks out YouTube completely so is overly limiting for teens; over-restriction builds resentment and encourages finding ways to get around the restriction so is counter-productive.

Content they want to access has changed. According to Reuters online gaming for example has blown wide open, Gaming is now the number one entertainment media out there for kids, even surpassing television!  With games like Fortnite they can play with their friends and a plethora of others. There is live-chat during the game and they can chat with people they don't know as well as their friends and be exposed to any language. These aren't new games but there are many more now, Fortnite for example can be played on most common platforms (X-box, Switch, Playstation, etc) and it is available on all mobile devices IOS or Android, this is a new evolution.

Boredom is the anathema for teenagers; you have to ask yourself, before handheld screens, WiFi or 4G  what did they do with 'free time'? What did you do? Was there not significant value in day dreaming on long car or train rides or while waiting for a friend to show up or your turn at the dentist office. No value in watching the rain fall down the windows or the snow blow around trees in a blizzard? Did you not have more conversations, learn something from that person on the bus you saw everyday or just get into more mischief, have more adventures with your friends?  Share a smile, a chuckle or a frown on the subway, bus or plane? Did you happen to meet your partner because you were looking dreamily around you and caught the eye, instead of down isolated in an artificial domain? 

There has been much written lamenting the loss of 'boredom' particularly now operating from within an active 'doing' paradigm rather than a more passive 'being' paradigm; the distraction available is ever-present and taking us to who knows where but definitely away from within ourselves. Where has the time gone for self-reflection, for inner growth and realization? As this article points out Newton was simply sitting under an apple tree when the idea of gravity came to him and who can say how many other innovations emerged from people simply being instead of doing.

Necks and eyes with kids as tweens and teens I'm checking out their neck bent posture (and pronation) and thinking too about the state of their eyes evolving a focal length closer than if you were reading a book. I'm a Wellness consultant and am aware of how structure affects function. Surely there is a deleterious effect with a permanent kink in your brain stem though it isn't clear how or when this will manifest. I'd posit it already is showing up in behaviour and how kids think... their attention span for example! Certainly I wonder about evolution and whether people will start to evolve a closer focal length. From an energetic point of view it is more than that. It's about the isolation and the energetic distance you put between yourself and others when there is a screen involved. You see 1 in 2 people on public transport everywhere (even where I live in Yangon) on their phones, no one interacting, no communication even though you are easily within their energetic comfort zone. Somehow, having earphones in, or focused on your chat or reading on the screen you have shielded, distanced yourself from those around you.

What up? What can we do!

I set out writing this intending to provide some experience driven advice for how to manage tweens and teens and their screens. But what to say, each parent has their own take on it, each youngster has their approach and interest... and excuses for why they MUST be on screen NOW, or why they CAN'T go off-screen or there will be some excuse... 'my friends are online, they expect me to be there' is the newest one in our house.

Fostering a digitally minimal life is probably the best way forward, setting the example is critical and likely the hardest part; so limiting your own screen time, especially in front of the kids. It also means not buying into the latest innovations, getting the fastest connections, seeking the 24/7 online solution... It means finding perspective on this, a perspective that works for you and your children's futures. For example right now and in our school community, it seems that being digitally connected and keeping up is a priority. Can we step down, step back, not participate? I'm not so sure. I have maintained a digital footprint and use social media mostly because my nomadic world community is global, friends in many time zones. And partly because I do not want to get left behind my kids and not know what they were doing. I am anyway getting left behind in gaming, I am not a gamer at all, no time for it. Blood sport games are still off the menu at our house, but gaming apps have figured that out so you in many games you don't kill people but you do kill the opponent in whatever form they take, often humanoid. What to do!

The disconnect as we live increasingly urbanized, mechanized, automated lives is a disconnect from the natural world. How far can we get from nature sitting in an concrete and steel apartment building, electronics all around us and our heads bent over a screen? We are only now learning that electro magnetic radiation from modems, 5G, phones likely has quite a harmful effect on cell structure.

When the distance grows between us and the natural world, we fail to understand the impact of plastic consumption, of burning fossil fuels, of the value of friendships and community; we fall out of the natural rhythms of the earth and forget that to live successful fulfilling lives we need to be in harmony with the elements, we cannot control things like the weather, we must learn to work with nature as a part of eco-system and find the balance that will serve us and that will serve our children best.

I leave you with the commentary below from Clay Skipper in GQ magazine, and Richard La Flower. Jenny Hill also penned this great article recently affirming all of the above... its out there folks...pay attention: 'Smartphones, tablets causing mental health effects on kids as young as two'.

Passive screen media writes onto our subconscious just like reality, and creates triggers and habits. Be mindful of what you visually ingest, because it literally puts you into a textbook hypnotic state. You will become what you watch the most - Richard La Flower

You write about digital distraction as a way we can avoid ever having to be with ourselves. What's the value in having to turn inward?

You have to actually confront yourself and engage in self-reflection: thinking about your life, what's important, what's working, and what's not working. And this process of self-shaping is absolutely crucial to building an impactful and flourishing life. That's when you shape yourself. That's when a life of focus and value is built.

The second thing, and maybe this sounds a bit more trivial, is that through time immemorial, the way that people dealt with this void—whenever they were lucky enough to be in a time and place where they had some leisure time—was to seek out high quality leisure activities.... usually highly social, highly skilled activities. As Aristotle used to write, these activities you do just for the sake of the activities—just for the quality and joy of it—gives you this resilience that makes it much easier to deal with all the other hardships of life. Your life is not just all hardships, there's these things that we do that are intrinsically full and joyful.

If you can taper over the void with a constant stream of distractions—make it just comfortable enough that you don't have to confront it—you're in a really bad situation. Now you're avoiding that self-reflection that you need to actually grow up and to build a life worth living. Also, you can distract yourself enough that you never have to answer that drive to actually fill your life with the quality activities: getting engaged with your community; picking up a skilled hobby; art and poetry; these type of things.

I think it's actually pretty dire. Yes, it's scary not to be distracted, but I think it's even more scary to avoid all of the deep good that comes from having to just be there with yourself, and confront all of those difficulties and opportunities that entails.

https://www.gq.com/story/cal-newport-digital-minimalism?fbclid=IwAR1CR_tywEvMBKde6nIqlYiO7APUfikRepndacgFSpPQJk8-f8jIqbr8N0A

The Screen: Part II The Strategies (or the Yoga of Screen)

There are many approaches to managing our children's screen use (TV, computer, phone, tablet, etc). It would be great if it were easy to have blanket solutions but the fact is that strategies apply differently to different children and to different cultural and family culture dynamics, so there is no fix-all solution. Well, unless you throw the damn things out the window which is tempting at times but then I realise I'd have to throw out my smart phone as well and a revealing conundrum emerges (to be discussed in a later blog).  The take-away lesson is to strategically set a good example in your own screen management and this will pave the way for easier management of your children's access to screens; get your own screen under control first, visibly and transparently before embarking on any campaign to help the kids. Where there is a Mum and Dad or live in relative or friend... its helpful if all are on the same 'setting a good example' page and if their School is on board as well... it is much easier! We are blessed to have the same philosophy as parents and here in Nepal to have neighbors with two same age, same school, sons who share the same 'screen philosophy' as us. By contrast if they didn't, it would be a nightmare.

I want to add a caveat here that for the past 4 years TV has not been on the family menu of screen choices so we aren't afflicted by the problematic of TV addiction. We simply do not subscribe to cable/satellite or other connections to commercial television. This was not hard to do given our mobility and disdain and understanding of the distraction from real life that TV provides. It has been a great move for all. Gone is pervasive (sometimes intelligence insulting) television advertising, gone the insidious brain numb of cartoon crap and cartoon violence, the detached and detaching channel surfing, etc and yes, as adults we aren't passing time watching what are inevitably just trendy flash in the pan series or sitcoms. If there is a downside it is that we sometimes miss inspirational moments in sports or catching significant world events... but we can catch up with these with a quick bit of googling post event! The other day someone mentioned the Oscar's...I didn't even realise the Academy Awards had happened but now have bought Oscar winning films, Boyhood, Whiplash, Still Alice, Grand Budapest Hotel and Birdman. These days I don't even think the boys miss out on popular culture, I did years ago when Zaki came home from Montessori school in Malaysia asking who Mickey Mouse was, but those days are long gone.  They seem to catch up through friends and watch selectively on YouTube various series if they are curious. In Nepal where we live, we can't get Netflix with a Nepali credit card and so our aging flat-screen TV is used for viewing DVDs and the Wii only. Our boys are 8 and 10 have lived as expatriate children in Malaysia, Lebanon, Ecuador and now Nepal, they are multilingual, multicultural third culture kids and basically want for nothing such is their luck (or not)!

Worth mentioning here is that I am grateful for everything I have; perhaps living in a very poor country like Nepal having traveled and lived large and fully on different levels of the poverty-decadence scale from cold poverty in wintry Montreal (although I did meet Leonard Cohen because of it!) to prosperity jet-setting as a humanitarian emergency aid worker, perhaps I am less likely to take for granted what I have. I don't know, I just know we are very lucky to have all of what we have; our good health and the luxury to discuss things like screen time because we have that choice... How many zillions of Syrian or Palestinian or Congolese kids would die to have a tablet device? In the case of screens and the internet we express that gratitude through a principled approach to access. The boys know that their access to screens is a privilege and not a right. Zaki tried to convince me not long ago that screen time was a basic human right, they had been discussing human rights at school.... I said 'oh, like food and water? you can't live without it?', that gave him something to think about.

Back to strategies....it is good for children to realise that your efforts as caregivers to 'manage' their screen time is in their best interest, and that needs un packaging in terms they can understand vis a vis the whys and wherefores and it is useful to reframe this for them often where repetition can be a bore, saying it differently under differing circumstances can help click things into frame. Below are some links to help flesh this out if you had any doubts. Please be clear, no one is saying there isn't value in children's access to smart devices (children over 5 years old because they are not advised at all for kids below 5) and all of what they have to offer. The question is how it is delivered to them, with what conditionality and how to optimize it to their benefit. I used to say the same about TV... and now of web connected smart devices... ask yourself... would you just hand your kid the remote control of a TV without some restrictions and information on the potential hazards of use!

Sleep and tests.
Sleep and device dependency.
Smartphones and sleep
Kids, smartdevices and sleep

Never forgetting that children's brains develop in their sleep and they grow physically when they sleep, so sound, long sleep is a key issue in screen management.

Steve Jobs and iPads
Related article on the importance of Playtime

Next in strategies:  We find it useful for our children to realise that these limits on screen are not just their Mum and/or Dad's blahblahblah, they need to know that it is a 'global' discussion i.e. their friend's parents grapple with the same thing (hopefully) no matter what country they are from or where they live. Kids need to see the plethora of websites talking about this, show them this one! One of the best websites that is all over this is Common Sense Media and its new 'Parent's Concerns' tab which covers a range of issues from 'how much screen time' to cyberbullying to internet security, online learning and beyond. Well worth the visit. I showed this to our boys and they read the inputs from parents and other kids so they know that this isn't an issue only for us...its out there in the world.

Screening content is something we are very clear on. Family filters on browsers is a must and are easy to activate or install. Anything new that they want to watch, download, play, etc has to be 'screened' (filtered) and the best tool I have found online is again Commonsense Media and if it isn't listed there then http://www.metacritic.com/ critiques gaming and http://www.ipadfamily.com.au/ is also okay offering an age rating for IOS games. At the end of the discussion it is more about how you feel as a parent, how much 'cartoon violence' for example you can tolerate (I draw the line at those stupid zombie games). Its like movie ratings... the best judge of appropriateness is you, aligning with your own values and understanding of your child's maturity and ability to absorb content....and lets be honest whether a movie will give them nightmares and cause you to lose sleep or not!

Now to the restrictions. Here everyone differs and the balance is between allowing kids the ability to make their own wise choices and learning about these and being a conscious and responsible caregiver. Screen time seems to be a determinant factor and so we limit it. Without limits what we have learned for our boys (is it different for girls?) that they will spend too much time on screen or at least not enough time playing outside or with lego or whatever else and their addictive behaviours increases.  This is perhaps the most annoying thing when you realise they are living for their screen time and manipulating you to ensure they get time to be on screen. Our boys are responding well to the following:

1hr/Friday and 2hrs/Saturday
Screen free Sunday
No screen ever in bedrooms
No screen ever after dinner (except family movies)
No TV (except DVD movies usually as a family)
No unsupervised screen at home or away

There are other strategies like minute banks, timers on devices, screen time tracking, etc. See here for other ideas. One method we don't use is screen-time for reward or punishment, or use it to bribe...that is going down a dangerous and wobbly way that is hard to sustain and sends wrong messages, the pros and cons are discussed here. 

As I suggest above, each to their own and their own priorities, considerations and thoughts on the matter. No judgement. My intention is to provoke thinking, encourage researching the issue to be able to make informed choices and to involve children fully in decisions taken. There is no black and white....only shades of grey and navigating the waters takes some time but mostly a connection with what for you and your family makes for a harmonious and harmless living situation that provides the best for your children. Maybe call it the Yoga of Screen: how to find balance.

Please post comments below especially strategies you might have succeeded with for everyone to see. Thanks. d

Addendum on Identity

This is a follow-on note reflecting on the blogpost “A (not so) short reflection on International Living” http://daddyoh-daniel.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/a-not-so-short-reflection-on.html and the notion of Identity.

I mention at one point in the content of the blog about identity and that I am referring to identity as ‘knowing where you are from’ and go on to talk about knowing your tribe, your community, etc. Clearly this is an important aspect of identity; a lens through which to view it or perhaps better still…. a side angle view on a shapeless notion but I didn't set out to give the intention that these are the only locators of identity! I want to elaborate briefly here on the idea that identity is pre-determined and pre-conceived: we are born with it and we will die with it a sense of ourselves that only we own and know, our character.

In the blog I insinuate that identify is greatly influenced by our experiences and our environment, where we grow up, the people we meet and I stick to this idea. This is particularly relevant when extreme events occur in people’s lives that ‘shape’ them and are reflected in who they are and often what they do. Events don’t have to be extreme of course…for example I can say that my parents’ unselfish giving throughout their lives or my Asian travels through the ‘80’s (which had their extreme moments) shaped who I have become and gave texture, color and shape to my identity. Of course a near-death experience, giving birth to a child, a visitation by another being, a trip into the 5^th dimension, these extreme moments will clearly add qualitatively to ones identity.

In brief then I concur, we are born with an identity, it is the basis of our individuality and our conscious naissance. I believe the influences on it begin even in the womb and that the emotions of the mother are transferred and experienced by the infant. I think it is clear that identity evolves with our experiences, it morphs, it develops, it does not stay the same in its expression but it does remain the same in its essence; that with which we began.

I ponder.....where does that leave my 'third culture' sons when they are asked "so...where do you come from?" born in Malaysia to a French mother and Canadian/British father having lived in Malaysia, Lebanon, Ecuador and now Nepal they are not yet savvy enough to say..."duh...like as if that's important". So the link to where you are from is relevant to their identity, at least as children and I would posit not entirely irrelevant to world-wandering adults either. Interestingly they normally answer they are from Canada...but then so do I and I was born in London, England!

I would suggest that the shifts and changes in life that challenge us on all levels (mental, intellectual, psychic, emotional, spiritual…) be appreciated as occurrences that, when brought in some way into the individuals’ personal experience, augment the process of the evolving identity. Key is full awareness, appreciation, gratitude and a positive outlook so that the experience, best understood in the present moment, enhances identity and brings us towards self-realization and understanding. Anything less and you sell yourself short on your life experience. 

It is little wonder when the world around us seems to be devolving into the shallow, superficial, soulless and aggressive realm of greed, selfishness and the commercialization of the imagination that identity becomes lost and the means to discovering it become less and less apparent or accessible even while it becomes more and more required. In this era we see a surge of interest in yoga and meditation as people seek to lighten their burden of being...they are seeking to know who they are, find their identity perhaps so they can love themselves and be happy, which is after all the ultimate quest of human existence, or is it?

First Impressions......return to Kathmandu!

I’ve been asked a few times for my first impressions of Nepal, returning now, 15 years since my last visit and 23 years since I last lived here.

the market in Durbar Square, Kathmandu hasn't changed in centuries.

What to say? It has definitely changed, I mean where could you travel to that hasn’t changed after 25 years……but at the same time, and in many ways, it hasn’t changed a bit.

Baba smoking chilums at Pashupatinath, boom shiva, this will never change!

I was sniggered at when I first suggested this on my second night in-country, that it hadn't changed much but now after two months and gaining several more ‘first impression’ reference points, I’d say it is actually pretty accurate and the sniggerer a result of the expat bubble phenomenon I will write on another time. 

This will never change, the kora around the stupa at  Bouddnath.

I use the goldfish bowl to describe the Kathmandu Valley experience over 23 years, bearing in mind that over this period the country had in 1990, a quiet revolution that ushered in a constitutional monarchy and diminished the role of the royalty in government. Then through the '90's came the build up to a harsh, acrimonious civil war that lasted through the 90's into the 00's and in the middle of which came the sudden shocking loss of nearly all the Royal family in a mass assassination in 2001. Here is a nice 'light' account of what may have happened, an event equally as surrounded by conspiracy theory as the assassination of JKF just not as well-publicized in Western mainstream media.

http://americanepali.wordpress.com/2012/06/01/royal-massacre-11-years-later/ 

The Royals were revered by many and despised by many but were very much a part of the national identity, it is only in 2008 that the remaining Royal, King Geyandra was removed from any active political role and a Republic declared. The effect that the loss of the royalty has had both at the time of their mass assassination and when Geyandra was removed is like taking away the back-ground color on the national flag; they Royals provided a common reference point for an ethnically and politically diverse and divided population, religiously the King is believed to be the reincarnation of the Hindu god Vishnu and so it is hard for Hindus not to revere him. !...at the risk of over-stepping I reserve further comment leaving the subject to better informed pundits.

So I liken the valley to a goldfish bowl. The difference between now and 23 years ago is that the number of fish in the bowl has more than tripled, many of those kitch ornamental and whatnot aquarium thingys have been added  to some very old ones, some of the dominant fish are gone, but others remain.... and sadly it seems the fishbowl water hasn’t been cleaned in all that time. Fortunately there are still the same fish, still the same miraculous way that things function (like the very busy airport in the middle of the city!), still the same ‘namaste’ greeting with a smile and bow, still the same chaotic street level activity, the same things for sale, the same touts...same monuments many of which are now World Heritage Sites. If memory serves there were 800,000 people in the Valley in 1987, today there are estimated to be more than 3 Million with the same number of roads many of which have not been maintained or repaired since they were built. And now you can even build vertically upwards (apartment buildings have sprouted!). This was previously forbidden lest you be able to 'peek' into the Royal Palace grounds.

Thing is, the Valley and the whole country has changed significantly and in many ways. The rise of the Maoist insurgency following the political changes in 1990 (the year I left) has changed the character of the people. This was a nasty war, one that rose with unexpected stinging hostility, where people had X’s marked on their doors and were later killed, where men and children were taken in the night to fight at the front line. The ensuing conflict between the Maoists and the State cost 13,000 lives That sort of thing cannot go without affecting the national psyche and I sense a lack of community trust and a very much more dog eat dog, like a hunger, kind of attitude amongst the people. Having just come from Beirut, another war-affected nation, I recognize in any monetary negotiation, a grasping desperation in the people, a tendency to grab today what may not be there in an uncertain tomorrow. This is reflected in an abrupt approach to foreigners in the market place, in Nepal, that wasn't there before, bargaining was friendlier, funner and now there is a taste of acrimony once the deal is done.

Another clear knock on effect of the war has been the enormous influx of rural people into the Valley, the building that has gone on here in especially in the past 9 years (peace was declared in 2006) has been incredible. People displaced by the war didn't go back home once it was all over, they had established themselves, become comfortable and they are here to stay. This is ironic because as a direct consequence of the war (according to some long staying expats), a 'people's war', is that things have actually improved considerably in rural Nepal, from whence the insurgency rose, but in the capital…..the improvements are harder to achieve and therefore harder to see. Out in the country-side there are more roads, more schools and more clinics, more access to essential services and markets. In the Valley it is choked with traffic every day, access to services? well, there is access if you don't mind sitting in traffic half your day.

you might call Tribhuvan International Airport (KTM) an 'inner city airport!

...that is something that has changed significantly, the traffic and associated particle (dust) and gaseous  (exhaust emissions) pollution. A huge problem when because of weather patterns and the geomorphology of the Valley pollution gets trapped particularly during winter months apparently to suffocating extents. While there is much press about 'most polluted cities' Kathmandu ranks 29th on the WHO 2013 survey (many Chinese cities either do not monitor or report). It remains to be seen for us, how bad the pollution really is, I mean we were living in downtown Beirut for 3yrs! And...3 million people do live in the Kathmandu Valley, thriving and surviving...so it may be polluted but it is highly inhabited!

What the Valley clearly hasn't lost is something that no amount of people-made pollution or confusion will ever change. The Kathmandu Valley still has the Vibe; one of the most amazing spiritual vibrations of any urban area in Asia, perhaps the world. This vibration is carried forward hourly by the devotion of the people be it at their home altar, at the multitude of temples for morning and evening puja (prayer), walking the clockwise kora at Bouddanath or Swayambunath for the Buddhists or bringing your dead ones to be burned at the ghats at Pashupatinath for the Hindus. The Vibe is what brought the hippies to Kathmandu through those heady days of the '60's (and the black hashish), the Vibe continues to draw people to the Valley and is amplified by the plethora of festivals that occur year round.

Bhaktapur

The Valley has a fantastic climate; at 1300m+ altitude, even the monsoon heat has been a tolerable 31-33C and in winter it doesn't go below 5C so a bit uncomfortable for 2-3months/ year, the rest of the time it is fantastic with views (from September to May) of the Himalayas stretching along the East-West axis to the north of the Valley. There is amazing trekking in the Valley at Sivapuri National Park or the Queen's forest, biking, hiking, bird watching. And then there are the opportunities for personal and spiritual development in yoga (ex.http://pranamaya-yoga.com/), Buddhist studies, Ayurvedic medicine, Shamanic plant medicine ceremonies, Hindu philosophic exploration...you name it and its here.

Pashupatinath, burning ghats on the banks of the mighty Bagmati River

So that Vibe hasn't changed either and is part of what makes Kathmandu such a place that global travellers must not miss. I am teaching yoga here both privately (email: elementalyoga.daniel@yahoo.com) and at the studio mentioned above and will be open for Elemental yoga therapy clients in September and will be leading a yoga-trek in November, hopefully the first of a few that I will lead. 

Flower of Life

Certainly I am happy to put together trips for people who are interested in bringing a group over, yoga, retreats, treks, all are doable in collaboration with professional Nepali colleagues. If you want to join November's trek, let me know in advance and I'll pave the way...http://pranamaya-yoga.com/event/everest-yoga-experience-a-beautiful-trekking-and-yoga-holiday-in-nepal/ 

And so with that subtle yet cleverly inserted commercial plug(!) the journey continues, something else that never changes. I am sure Kathmandu will reveal herself even more as time and experience in the Valley goes on, through the people I meet and my explorations and as personal processes unfold....

oh and did I mention I'm getting a new mo'bike to help enhance the experience? Check it out... http://pricenepal.com/yamaha/75-new-fzs.html 

Namaste eh!