Friday, December 23, 2011

The long and the short of it: on death and dying.

Death and dying, better a written reflection at the end of 2011 but paving the way for 2012 and moving on.  I returned home to Lebanon just before Christmas to attend the memorial for my friend John Redwine who at 32 has died a short, instant death in a climbing accident on Mt. Sannine. This immediately followed a visit to my Dad who at 87 (this month) is suffering a long, lingering, undignified process of decay due to Alzheimer's disease and all its sorrowful trappings.  Where's the justice in either I have been pondering and then wondering if grappling with the 'justice' issue is perhaps the futile fodder of philosophers and theologians with time to wonder what happens as death approaches. To move on I try to convince myself it is better to celebrate lives as we know/knew them. How appropriate that is in Dad's case, even before he has died I don't know but it helps.




John living large after climbing in Tannourine '10
John is dead, so yes, we mourn his passing with celebration of his life. Such a vibrant youthful friend, full of vitality, bouncing with energy, loads of enthusiasm whether it be for his climbing, his Volty motorbike, or the love of his wife and son, a caring man...and I didn't really know him that well but those impressions of mine seem to be unanimously endorsed by many, many others. Gone. Really as nice a guy as you'll meet on the streets of anywhere; to be honest as 'un-American' as they come....and I mean that in the nicest way.  John will be missed. He was a pillar of the small but growing climbing community here in Lebanon. The climbers slide nights initiated by John and Marcin (who now lives far away in Aus) were bringing all sorts of rock gymnasts out of the woodwork, a fun social moment for sharing video and snaps of climbing exploits and exploring ideas and inspiring future projects. We'll have one in John's honor later this month.


This was something John was good at. Future projects. Inspiring by example. If his past exploits were anything to judge his future by, then he was going to be a busy boy. But all those aspirations, planned trips and projects got torpedoed just before Christmas, a solo excursion, an accident on easy but a bit technical terrain, on a manky steep loose rock-band that was likely even mankier in the unseasonally high temperature, dry tooling, crampons..... all ended with the end of John Redwine. I mean aspirations live on and trips and projects gel in other ways and we should all be inspired by our connection to and closeness with Johnny vin rouge. John we vow to continue with our exploits, keep adventuring ever safely, build a stronger safer climbing community in Lebanon, raise awareness about climbing and its greatnees and as a rock climber's belayer says once ready, we'll....'climb on'. Climb on too John. Climb on.


So thats the short of it. A life swiftly and fully lived now ended. Now the long. My Dad....he is not dead. How appropriate is it to celebrate his life when it isn't over yet? Well, the proud and dignified life of David Rosslyn Powell Pugh is in its waning days. Alzheimers is claiming another soul and Dad's life is steadily degrading and degenerating into a man even to his own family can't recognize. Lucky me, I have been able to spend time with Dad twice this year, in July and once just before Christmas. This last time he has notably declined in his mental condition but still accepted that I belonged and was there to be with him as family. I describe his state this way: he is still there in the back ground and in calmer moments, usually when he is out of the residence lock-down floor where he lives (for his own safety), he comes to the fore but these moments of lucidity are fewer and further between.
Me and Dad, December 2011, Edmonton
What has become more the norm than the exception, at the fore, is a befuddled, frustrated, angrily confused man, a shadow of his former self. He is losing the ability to dress himself, cannot figure out the day of the week, time of the day, which meal is which. He cannot bathe himself and for a man who showered nearly daily for 86 years now he needs bathing and that only happens 1X/week, he shaved daily and now that only happens when his morning isn't so confused as to allow a residence helper to shave him. He hates being unshaven. For a man who is highly educated and has always been careful with both written and spoken word he blathers on tangentially nonsensical words replacing verbs and nouns and pronouns used in incoherent sentence; in July he expressed how much this was distressing for him, he realized it quite consciously and hates it. He is convinced a fellow-resident is his sister in Wales and calls her by that name but refers to her as his daughter despite the fact that our Auntie telephones him daily from Wales. He is convinced, perhaps because he has no money in his pocket or perhaps because he has lost all sense of quantity, that he is being robbed, that the crooks are everywhere and must be watched....and that no one cares. I tried to explain to him (as have my sisters) how secure were his finances and he just dismissed me saying 'oh no...you're one of them'.  Dad is not yet at the stage where we can mourn his passing, but that is coming, I can feel it with a heaviness of heart and I guess what we can do is begin to grieve for the loss of what once was: a gentle, kind and generous man, father of 6 adopted children, a loving husband who never recovered from death-by-cancer of our mother, popular teacher and professor, extraordinarily giving humanitarian and yes, like John, as nice a guy as walks the streets of anywhere.


There is no justice in the rude and sudden ending of John's short life nor in the cruel and excruciating process in the approaching end of my Dad's long life. Not to my mind, not at this moment. With this blog and as we move into 2012 and I try to move on from a sombre December 2011 to help out where I can with the new reality for John's wife and infant son and continue to provide what support I can to my Dad by supporting my sisters from far.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Took the leap.

Took the leap, broke the promise. I'm going for a short visit to Edmonton in December...my mission (which i have chosen to accept) to hang out with my Dad, give my sisters a break from care-giving and see my friends. Alone. Without kids. Its been a while. Last time I had any 'me' time was before the summer madness.

Took the leap because it is hard to tear myself away from my little boys and their large little lives. Really, I just like being around them. And its not the most stable time in the region. I live in fear of not being here if the proverbial hits the rotational and then not being able to get back in.

Took the leap because I am really supposed to be bashing on with my Masters dissertation which is moving at a glacial pace and for sure I will suffer for my procrastinating come spring time.

Took the leap because it is frigging expensive and I haven't worked this fall on account of the dissertation writing thing...then again its only money right?


Middle East Airlines
Flight ME201
Depart Beirut, LB (BEY)

10-Dec-11 (Sat) 07:35a
Arrive London Heathrow Apt, GB (LHR)

10-Dec-11 (Sat) 10:45a
Flight Time 05hr 10min | Economy
Aircraft Airbus Industrie A330-200
Stops nonstop






Middle East Airlines
operated by Air Canada
Flight ME4513
Depart London Heathrow Apt, GB (LHR)

10-Dec-11 (Sat) 01:00p
Arrive Calgary, CA (YYC)

10-Dec-11 (Sat) 03:20p
Flight Time 09hr 20min | Economy
Aircraft Airbus Industrie A330-300
Stops nonstop






Middle East Airlines
operated by Air Canada
Flight ME4512 overnight flight
Depart Calgary, CA (YYC)

20-Dec-11 (Tue) 07:05p
Arrive London Heathrow Apt, GB (LHR)

21-Dec-11 (Wed) 11:00a
Flight Time 08hr 55min | Economy
Aircraft Airbus Industrie A330-300
Stops nonstop






Middle East Airlines
Flight ME202
Depart London Heathrow Apt, GB (LHR)

21-Dec-11 (Wed) 12:10p
Arrive Beirut, LB (BEY)

21-Dec-11 (Wed) 06:50p
Flight Time 04hr 40min | Economy
Aircraft Airbus Industrie A330-200
Stops nonstop

Broke the promise to myself made after a true orgy of summer holiday air travel (coming after spring work air travel) to not travel by air again until 2012. At some point the boot is going to rise out of my carbon footprint and kick my arse hard. How is it possible to be so aware of the problems caused by green house gas emissions and then get on a plane? Someone said that if you add up all the emissions caused by all the experts traveling to all the meetings to discuss the emissions that you would have a significant reduction!

Anyway. It will be good for me to see Dad and I hope good for him to see me. Hoping that it will be like this summer where there wasn't a real conscious recognition that happened, rather a simpler one on an emotional level that just made it natural. Fingers crossed and not to worry. Not to go now while I have the chance might lead to regrets....and we wouldn't want that! More to be said on the injustice of finishing ones life off so dependent and so frustrated and so deeply unhappy, so without dignity.

It will be great to see the friends in Alberta and be considerably freer than when I am with the little boys. A different time, later nights, later mornings....ahhh. relishing a bit of a lie-in already. And who knows, I might even get a bit of work done on the old dissertation....probably not.










Thursday, November 10, 2011

The new reality next door....some call it progress

This has been going on all week they start at 07h45 in the morning!
Turn up your VOLUME for the full effect
(pictures/video shot from our terrace)
This tree (upper left) survived how many wars but couldn't survive the peace.

What I discovered in my efforts to 'save the tree' is that actually (and I really resisted believing this for the longest time), its true,
no one cares, not one local person stepped up to help in a meaningful way and I spread the word quite widely and through one helpful media contact. 

This is one of the last trees remaining on this street and one of few in the city.

Bludgeoned to death by a back-hoe. Thankfully we were out of town when the deed was done.
Grey, the predominant colour.

Noisy, dusty, blocks the street, apparently going down 5 storeys 
Only 6 months to go?


....and they call this progress!? 
your comments and thoughts are welcome below.




Friday, October 28, 2011

Bringing up kids in the digital age.



omg. Its amazing to imagine what the world will be like for my boys when they have kids. For my parents the world of worry about media exposure for us kids was limited to television (all 3 English and 1 French channel), movies (either it was rated child-friendly or not) and music records (which we couldn't afford) we might listen to at friends houses but we didn't because most friends didn't have them either. In fact, it wasn't really much of a worry at all.

For parents today policing media exposure is hugely more complex and to my mind quite worrying. Who said the world is getting smaller when access to it has increased exponentially, the internet has exploded my world!? Today there are games and apps (huh?) on all manner of contraptions, smart phones, gameboys, xbox, ds, ipad, iphone, i don't even know their names. DVDs abound and are cheaply accessed, some kind of web-enabled device is in every room in the house (exaggeration but you get my drift) and everything is connected to wifi or 3G so internet enabled. Essentially there is a huge open picture window looking out into the world inside nearly every screen you have. Media access for everyone.

Who doesn't know Ben 10?
And then there is TV with its myriad number of channels to navigate everything from nature show, Nat Geo, reality shows, cartoons, movies (all in English or French, Russian, Arabic....take your pick). I was recalibrating our 'Children's Favorite' channels on the remote control the other day and realised that there were more than 30 channels French or English channels to choose from! Nuts. What a difference from the good old days of little or no choice... Flintstones at lunch hour, Giligans Island and Hogans Heros after school....!? Something I realised in Malaysia was when Zaki at 4 years old came home and asked 'daddy, who is Mickey Mouse guy?'....you can't bring your kids up in a bubble lest they feel like weirdos because they don't know the basic whos who of popular (read commercialized) culture. Better to expose them to it at home where you know what they are getting into.

We haven't had to deal with this one yet but managing social networking is just around the corner....my approach is to introduce it while I can still have a measure of control over it so Zaki will get his fb page when he turns 7 in February and we'll take it from there. While I find facebook and linkedin useful to stay connected, this is largely a derivative of having a truly global group of e-connected friends and colleagues and so I can see how they would be only marginal e-accessories and only entertaining if most of my 'friends' were also my neighbors who I could actually meet up with. Ultimately though what I also achieve is to use these new tools and evolve with them so that once the boys get into them I am ahead of the curve and not behind it...a lesson I learned from my Dad who never really got on the technology curve (the home computer he got from the University back in '89 before retiring never really made it out of the box). For the past nearly 20yrs that I have had an email address we have never had an internet encounter (unless you count skype calls?) as a result inevitably a certain distance has grown between us...


A favorite and near nightly occupation for Mum or Dad.
Our current coping strategy includes having an e-schedule that limits screen-time on the wii, iPad, computer and TV. Also its helpful that the boys keep involved in after-school activities and so don't have too much time down-time to fill. All in all they have about 5 scheduled hrs/week and probably 1-2 unscheduled hrs of screen time. Last year when I was more organized computer time was only for educational games. This year on computer we are only watching music vids (that we choose) on youtube.com/music and I just discovered soundcloud.com. Limiting screen time teaches the boys that we choose our media and what we look at ourselves, it is not a free-for-all and the media should never dictate to us. There is never any screen-time after dinner so that their dream-time is not so invaded by whatever they watched last, rather by homework, the dinner conversation and the books they read before sleeping...does this work?...perhaps; Kasem still has 'nightmares' about events or things viewed during the day but certainly cutting out after-dinner screen time has helped.

The demographic of their school friends means that many kids here are being brought up by their nannies. Last year we realised that when Zaki went to a friends' houses he ended up watching who knows what DVD's, playing what games on various devices and actually not really 'playing' at all. What I do know is he came home firing his 'air gun' at everything that moved and insisting that he get a nintendo ds. Recently when one of Zaki's friends came over to play he brought his own iPad which was full of age inappropriate apps. In the 3 hrs he was here our boys had 2 meltdowns each.
Age appropriate? Who knows but they love the classic comics.

We are using age appropriate ratings as a sort of filter with the boys so that the first thing we look at when searching for a new app, game etc is the age rating. Its there on most games, apps, dvd's, etc...not always the first thing you see but usually there. If it isn't age appropriate we automatically discount it and move on. This seems to work. This website was pointed out to me (on fb) http://www.commonsensemedia.org/ and might be worth checking out when thinking of melting the mind of your young one when exposing them to new media. And this is my next step to try and give them 'centering' tools that can help them through the coming years... meditation... http://mindshift.kqed.org/2011/10/how-meditating-helps-with-multitasking/

Would really love it if you could click below and comment on your own experiences, coping strategies and useful tools or websites.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

On language and learning

Language and learning continues to be a fascinating journey of discovery as parents of kids growing up in multi-lingual settings. Our approach has been unequivocally open to the potential of having little linguists; Cecile has always spoken French to the boys and me English and now they are fluent in both and learning Arabic and there have been exciting moments in the process.

Until his 4th summer Zaki would always reply to Cecile in English which was frustrating for her but finally, visiting her parents in 2009, I remember Zaki racing upstairs in their house where I was unpacking saying "daddy i can understand Mamie (Cecile's mum)" and i said "sure Zaki thats because you're a little French boy and you can talk to her in French as well". A little while later he was back breathlessly excited saying "...and daddy i can talk to her too!" he was so proud of himself at this revelation and, of course, I was extremely happy for him, he hasn't looked back.

Now, here in Lebanon, they get Arabic 6 hrs a week in school. We don't speak it at all at home, the only consistent exposure they have are our building guards and concierge who are Syrian. We know however that they are actively learning it....and it is quite likely that Zaki was reading Arabic before either French or English. On a trip to the airport in February we passed an Arabic exit sign and Zaki said 'daddy thats the exit for the airport' and I asked how he knew....and he said 'because i read the sign'....this before he was really reading French or English.

Now months later Zaki reads English (although he has never had any formally taught English lessons) reads French, and is writing in Arabic and French as his school workbooks attest. Kasem seems to learn language simultaneously he goes along. Before the summer he said "daddy i can count to 100" and off he went, in English, faultlessly counting to 100 and he has only been formally taught numbers in French (and only up to 20!).

They both understand Arabic when spoken too and just lack the confidence to reply to all but the most simple phrases. We endeavour to find someone to come in and speak to them in Arabic so that they can understand that it is a 'normal' language to speak and thereby reinforce their learning by using the language. Zaki just started guitar lessons and I asked the teacher to only speak Arabic! The other day in the shower Kasem wrote his name 'KASEM' on the steamed up mirror and so I asked him to write it in Arabic.....which to my surprise he did...writing it once then rubbing it out saying 'thats not right' and doing it again! And he sings equally beautifully the Arabic and French songs that he learns in school.

We will certainly regret not having learned enough Arabic ourselves to have more actively encouraged this learning process especially if, when we move on as we will in July next year, they forget their Arabic. This will almost certainly happen if we do not end up in another Arabic language environment because there will be no practice at home. And there will likely be yet another 'third language'. It would be great to have a secret family language in such places but time and opportunity have really thwarted my efforts to learn. The real challenge for us remains using what little we have learned; the people on the street want to practice their English or default to English (as a courtesy to the visitor) defeating and deflating our efforts rather than reinforcing and encouraging us. This is a common complaint of the expat language learner, but in the end probably just a tired but useful excuse for undisciplined laziness!

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Kasem's birthday, Lebanese style...not.

Kasem turned 5 this week and I ducked into party planner mode if only briefly between writing a paper on the global response to transnational organized crime, addressing a few consultancy issues left over from Libya and trying to sort out my desk which has fallen into a chaotic state of layered anarchy...
Birthdays parties and what they say about societies leaves much space for cross-cultural commentary. We find, at times, this dimension of our global gadabout lives puts stress into the expat parental party planning process. The experience here is for parties to be rather grandotta, loud....and stylish following the cultural need for things to appear to be grand and lavish; we're doing well...just come and see!

As a result you can: hire an entire team of animators...from a party planning company of which there are very many, to include: a magician, clown, dj, mc, helpers, speaker system enorme (so loud music throughout), cake, activities, balloons...did i forget something? oh yes, the food. never has the mini-burger and mini-pizza seen so much exposure...and never has so much junk food been wasted as you sell your kids to junk food culture. Venue-wise you could have your party in a gzillion places that cater to such things, every weekend there are kids parties in restaurants, resorts, beaches, sports clubs...so if you had planned a nice quiet lunch with friends at a popular spot with families.... be prepared for a mini-rave.

The boys this year are in a football club called Sportsville. It is an indoor facility with astro turf (since there is nearly no natural green space in all of Beirut) and they are coached by professional players 3X/week. Kasem is particularly mad for it and so we thought, lets have his party there. Excellent. Go and see the facility coordinators to learn it will be $35/kid and there is only 1 package and it includes all of the above except the animators will be the coaches and the activities  centered around football (add magician and clown for ++$). Local tradition requires you invite all the kids in the school class, all the ones in the football team and lets not forget the capoeira class kids too. Allowing for some overlap in numbers that would = $1750....holy crap. my poor old Mum would be doing back-flips in her grave (had she not been cremated).

Fear and a clear yogic mind saved us and we didn't go this route (relax Mum) although it was only a week before b-day that we reverted back to our more sane 'small is beautiful' approach and canceled Sportsville. Instead we invited only the kids Kasem wanted to come (and a few he didn't like girls for example!)...and perhaps because it wasn't the normal lash-out few of his Lebanese friends came so we had only 12 nice little boys and girls. We went to the nearest forest reserve called Baabda Forest (www.terreliban.org) situated in a small valley surrounded by urban development on the ridges around but that is in a pine forest up above the city with a climbing wall and zip-line, nature walk and err....donkey ride.

The price tag needless to say was lower, as were our stress-levels without the blaring music, and instead of being surrounded by the masses of overwhelmed psyches (which to me must be part of what makes these events hard for adults and kids alike to handle), he was surrounded by pine trees.
I hope that Kasem had a more memorable time of it....last year was the beach, the year before an eco-resort....and to the credit of the Lebanese there was another kids party there and apparently the place is busy with such events so clearly catering to 'appearances' isn't an all encompassing ethos, just the annoyingly pervasive one.